Emotional Masochist

or maybe it's sheer foolishness. I was looking at the CNY pics again. The ones which i told them not to tag me. What was i thinking. it was quite obvious to everyone wasn't it. Pretty damn obvious to her. ouch.

i don't think i am one. it hurts so much and i don't want to even think about it. over and OUT.

Pain is my second name

This is my finger. Silly me, I was talking to Mrs Jones, telling her that her car was parked well done - one inch away from the rusty pillar. My right hand indicated out the one inch, my left hand being confused slammed the car door with my ring finger somehow not responding. Hence ouch. Oh Mrs Mrs Jones.

I'll show you my leg later.

Can windows do this?

Look at what adium is doing to me. Ah. I think if it were windows, it might have hung and crashed. Thank goodness it's mac. Could just force quit and restart it again.

The Cubicle

I will never ever subject myself to being compartmentalised.
Even if I would, I merely need to, temporarily.

Life is exceptionally Painful, when it is Boring without any Deadlines nor Excitement to Look-forward to. Worse, attracting Rejection & Ignorance.

This is not the first time where I feel this.
It's so painful having nothing to look forward to. When there is nothing to look forward to, there is no excitement. When there is no excitement, the funny chemical stuffs does not get sent to my brain. Ahh. adrenaline, endorphines, what else?

When there is no deadline, or the deadline just does not impose that sense of urgency, it is as good as not living at all.

I was really feeling this during the 5 going 6 days when I was rotting in Kuantan, waiting for my German class in KL to start. Now I'm feeling it again, as I know the fact that DG is not coming and I've officially wasted my time. Well not totally waste of time, because I've finshed the Acts and Omissions part of the Actus Reus. And there is free air-con and I get to look good in my shirt and tie. Hmm. I guess that's a sense of purpose as well. It's much better than being at home, with the temptation of tv, incessant talk that interupts from my aunt and all the other distractions. And it is of course better to be in working clothes rather than my PJs the whole day.
Let me tell you (or remind myself, for that matter) what's worse than having no purpose in life.
When life is filled with rejections and there is no clear motivation. So you feel like SHIT. When you know there is no end to it, where there is no destination in the first place AND you still get rejected or ignored. It feels like I have found the deepest of the valleys and the darkest of the shadows suffocates and blinds me.

I just realised, maybe I'm in denial. Maybe there is a vague goal / destination in mind which I really desire. And the rejection / ignorance makes me feel terrible.

Does anyone else feels the way I do? or am I just the creep crawling on this unaccepting face of the earth?